I spent forty-eight hours watching Hank Marvin while Meg and Wizz went on their “love mash up.” I definitely do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I was contemplating the idea soon after Hank came home, but the love affair is over, it frizzled out. It may have something to do with the fact that Meg was sending me texts like this:
An umprompted text about the dog, nothing about the kids; I thought that was a tad off-kilter. Meg then hacked into my facebook account and did this:
“So happy to be dog sitting my new nephew this weekend, I love Hank.” What a dipshit. People liked it too-if you liked that status update, you should go back and unlike it. I didn’t realize it until it had been up for a day.
I digress, let’s get back to my dog-readiness checklist:
1. Do you like shit? You have to like poop because you’re going to be picking it up a lot.
2. Can you tie a solid knot? This past weekend I got to experience throwing a poop-bag in the garbage that wasn’t closed properly-that was fun.
3. Do you have a good baby voice? Parents of newborns are guilty of this, turns out dog owners are too.
4. What are your thoughts on being bitten? Puppies bite unless you train the little fuckers.
5. Do like having your shit fucked-up? Think leather shoes, trainers, and chair legs.
6. How do you feel about talking to random people? Strangers will walk up to you and do the “dog talk”.
7. Do you fancy bad breath? I’ve never met a dog with decent breath, it always smells like hot-ass.
8. Who will care for your pet when you’re at work or go on vacation? Dog nanny, doggy daycare, family?
9. Are you committed to walking the dog? Do not delude yourself into thinking that a dog will help you get in shape. It you aren’t doing it now, you’re not going to change once you get a canine.
Be honest with yourself. I’m lucky, I am totally comfortable being pet less.